Toxic Humility

First I must tip my hat to the absurdity of this position. We all know humility is a positive trait. It is one of Benjamin Franklin’s 13 virtues. It sits with competence and honor and responsibility. It is the guiding hand of Jesus, Socrates and everyone’s favorite grandma. It is the sort of quality a parent aspires to cultivate in a child. So I feel like I’ve just walked into a saloon at sunset and slung my testicles on the bar. But let’s see how it plays out.

Consider this: the dictionary says humility means to be humble. “Humble beginnings” are recognized as modest, ordinary, and respectful. But from all I’ve seen, what it means, in day-to-day-life and business, its cause and effect, is to be hurt. Humility presents itself as a virtue and a safe moral path. But tell me, what other virtue you know leads to self-doubt, stifles ambition, causes overthinking, hinders self-expression, impairs leadership and makes you an unreliable friend? Which other quality of character reduces goal setting and tanks productivity? If you’ve experienced any of these symptoms, that’s humility gnawing at your soul.

When I quit my 9-5 and became a freelance copywriter, I invested in a copywriting course from a Canadian luminary, Tej Dosa. Went slow, took copious notes. One of the sections was called ‘The Right Assumptions.’ It was a list of self-talk snippets to repeat to yourself on a daily basis. Here’s a sample: “I can influence the outcome by thinking like a smart guy, but executing like a high-energy dumb guy . . . I am enthusiastic as hell, sharp as a tack, and a figure of authority . . . I do not tolerate disrespect, clients who hassle over price, clients who show up late to meetings, clients who are rude.” And you might be smirking, but they worked. Turns out it pays to know what to say when you talk to yourself.

I believe most people can taste the truth in the sandwich here. Take for example the brilliant young professional who downplays her abilities so gets passed over for promotion in favor of louder, less proficient colleagues. Or the plight of Charlie Brown from the “Peanuts” comic, who can’t bring himself to kick a football or talk to the little red-haired girl. His cycle of disappointment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. He expects to fail and then he does. And Gandhi was a cool dude but I always remember that scene from Fight Club when Ed Norton’s character is brushing his teeth with blood. He spits in the sink then says if he could fight any character from history it’d be Mahatma, the humble icon of peace.

In freelance copywriting, self-promotion is a key part of the game. You play or get played. A couple of years ago there was an exciting gig on the market. I didn’t put my name in the hat because I heard someone who I assumed was a better candidate than me was also interested. Two months later, the job came up again. The client wasn’t happy because the guy I believed was such a hot shot wasn’t up to the task. You need to tell people how confident you are that you can help them. You have to take charge of your reputation and share your results. If you don’t, others with less ability and more chutzpah will take that work. That’s a lose-lose for the client and you. The world is competitive enough. You don’t need to tie your own shackles. As C.S. Lewis says in The Screwtape Letters, “Humility means pretty women trying to believe they are ugly and clever men trying to believe they are fools.”

The strange and savage law of the jungle is there are winners out there who have a fraction of the skill and smarts you might think. Others who seem to have it all still fail. What really matters is how badly you want it, how well you can adapt when things get tough, and how willing you are to take the hits. You might come back with “But why can’t you be humble and assertive at the same time?” There are some instances of this – and some great sportsmen like Lionel Messi and Roger Federer spring to mind – but statistically it’s unlikely. You need to force your psyche forwards. Humility is a handbrake and the difference between winners and losers is a bias towards action.

When you act there is a vibe, a force, an energy, a quickening that comes through you into the moment. If you stall, it is lost. The world will not see you. And you will be left with your own numb opinion of how brave or valuable you might have been. Imagine the agony of finding out you could have been the best in the world at something, but you let it rot. Everyone needs a touch of humility to be human but don’t be so humble that you shy away even when you know you could do the job (and do it well). The question to ask yourself is whether your humility is a form of dignity and power or a smokescreen for fear and self-doubt. Know your strengths and capabilities without arrogance, and recognize your limitations without talking down to yourself.

There are portals. Toss toxic humility aside and jam them open. Let the wind howl and your self-doubt scatter. Approach life with the languorous confidence of a jungle cat. There is no shame in telling people what you’re good at and there is no shame in reminding them what you’ve accomplished.

I say let’s have less humility.

And with it, more grace.